on smiling.
we would have celebrated our second year 2 days ago.
2 days ago last year, we were feeding ducks by the river and cockatoos at our rented cabin loft 2 minutes from the beach. around this time 2 days ago last year, we were curled up in bed eating our anniversary cheesecake. we were happy.
2 days ago this year, i painted my toenails a horrid shade of happy barbie pink and i got wrecked with my friends. around this time 2 days ago, i had my 1st big cry since we broke up.
and it felt so real.
to not have you.
it feels so real now, and GODDAMN, I HURT.
i see you on street walls and i hear you in songs.
in all the songs.
i smell you in my first waking breath
and before the first lucid moments of my mornings,
i still reach to my left and hug my pillow,
thinking it's you.
..kailan lilipas ang "tayo" sa puso't isip ko?
"if you're lucky, it never will"
i just have to keep remembering that you're right, razi. i know you are. but the thing is... 2 days ago, we would've celebrated our second year.
and i shared LIFE with him.
so i'm just feeling a little deflated.
barren.
KULANG.
but i still smile. throughout all days.
so i get to get credit even for feeling like shit.
posted by teddi @ 1:17 AM
3 Comments:
kaya mo yan! yakangyaka. kung kayo talaga edi kayo
I... probably won't have ANY words that might bring you the littlest SEMBLANCE of comfort... but know this: we pick ourselves up. We try again.
We always do.
Hang in there. "Things always gets better," I remember YOU telling ME once. "They always do... they have to."
So I'm giving the words back to you, and albeit it might not mean anything... YOU were the one who was hopeFULL all the time. We need people like you in this world... more, as much as I hate to admit it.
So be comforted.. or at least pretend to be. We all wake up wishing we could turn back time but we'll soon wake up THANKING that it didn't. Trust me.
I just watched this film, and you know it reminded me of Steve Carell saying somethin like "You don't always fall in love with the right person at the right time." And I suppose it's true and I suppose it's sad but then at the end of things is when you realize, maybe, what you truly loved about the person, what you miss, what you only appreciate only now.
And at the end of some great love, maybe you learn to love better. The next time 'round.
And since I always find myself quoting or paraphrasing someone else, I might as well no break tradition:
Do you still have a picture of him in your head? The kind of picture that you can keep forever? That's the kind of picture I want you to have. So when you go back to reality, you can ask him, you, your "us" to let you go. Because you had it perfect for a while, and that's more than what most people get.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRPru9CnPhM
-raz
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