Thank you, Mark; Thank You, God for this broken heart.

where do i start? ..how does anyone start again when they reach the end of anything?

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sometimes-- just sometimes-- i wish i were the swoony, weeping kind of girl, and not the kind who breaks up with someone and wishes that he finds a good girl to love him... because then, this wouldn't feel so goddamn anticlimactic.... because i don't think anyone really understand just how broken my heart is, not even him.

my telling of the story of how i loved a boy and how a boy loved me falls so short of exactly how incredibly, how inexpressibly, how unbelievably we did love one another. my storytelling doesn't do that justice and because of that, i have no one, really, who can tell me, "this pain will go away. this pain that you need to feel now is part of the love you share, because it's the kind that won't die-- the kind that shouldn't die, so now you both must embrace it better as friends. but this pain will pass, and you'll both be okay, okay?"

and i yearn for that.
this breaking heaviness in my heart yearns to be told something kind, something that tells me that we loved each other, and people knew.

i hope people saw us and wished that they had that same kind of love in their lives, because really truly, it was that kind of love: it was ember from which the best friendships are forged.

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even though i broke up with him, i will never let anyone say one bad word about my Mark.

any of you would be supremely lucky to find a person as good as him to love, and I WISH THAT FOR YOU, FOR ALL OF YOU.

and if God ever wills for you to have your heart broken too, i wish for you a man like the boy i loved and who loved me: someone who will love you incandescently and break your heart simply because it's the best gift of love he can offer you.
then, you'll have gained a good friend, just like i did. he's going to be a very good friend, i just know it. we're going to be friends now.

and i... well, somehow i'll have to scrimp up what energy i have and start de-mark-ifying my space, room... my life.

but like i told him last night, it's going to feel a little bare for a while.
"a little teddi bear?", he joked.
"yeah", i said. "...a little teddi-bare."

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